This week has been quite challenging for me through the difficulties of my life as I check my weight machine to find myself back to 47 kgs once more. I’m not eating my food the way I should eat and I am constantly worried about things resulting me in becoming an early bird. The only difference is I know it will pass like any other time. Nothing will remain the same. It is always mixture of good and bad things, that are so messy yet build the foundation of who am I today.
Let’s go back to 2015, I changed my school from ICSE to CBSE, I wanted to become a doctor and I took admission at the famous institute in Kolkata for preparation of NEET examinations. Until then, I was only a little girl unaware of the realities existing around me because I hit so hard that getting up became almost difficult for me. I took Physics, Chemistry , Biology and Mathematics as my combo. I was happy that I am living off my mother’s dream despite being warned by my teachers that I am lazy. I should pursue Humanities . I didn’t listen to them as my mother taught me to believe in myself more than what the world thinks of me. I wasn’t a dreamer with a life planned ahead of me. I was not perfect, as I constantly doubted myself with friends mocking behind my back, as I smell like rotten eggs. I wasn’t good enough for anything, be it extracurricular activities. I left guitar, dance, music and swimming . I couldn’t continue them for long as I was quickly bored. My entire childhood was spent on watching cartoons and Disney Series and movies.
With school change, the life also turned upside down, I hated physics, chemistry, biology and mathematics. I hated the way how I was forced to miss schools just for giving myself enough time to crack NEET. I hated the way all my doubts weren’t cleared anyhow. The reason being staying at home most of the time, doing household chores all by myself while my mother went outside to work to earn enough for my education. I thought something was wrong in me. It was I who made the mistakes otherwise how would my mother’s temper will turn to rage. Pursuing science wasted not only my last two years of my school life but it also did ruin my mental stage to hell as a result of which I suffered from clinical depression and eventually ended up contemplating suicide. I still suffered my worst as I worked very hard to undo my mistakes. I worked extremely hard to fail my 11th examinations however, I passed with flying colours.
With ongoing pressures in my family, I pursued Critical Care Technology for higher studies adding much to my disappointment. I thought I will again undergo hell instead this time I didn’t . I loved the friends there, I loved my teachers, I loved the ambience. All I was in was love. Absolutely, madly in love which gave me the strength to be myself which I haven’t been since my childhood. In the meantime, I already started to read English books and watch English movies as instructed by my teacher when I was in class 9 and class 10. Let’s call him Sir now. Sir continuously told my mother on a loop on every parents teacher meeting to spend time with English which I always excused by blaming class tests and projects for board exams. I never listened to any word he said to my mother and I. He always told my mother that Sankalita doesn’t dream. She doesn’t have a life plan yet . I never listened a single word as I thought the percentage of my boards exams were enough to carry me for the rest of my life. I regret but his advice of spending time with English is a cure for my depression and anxiety.
In 2018, I got the courage to leave the Science stream for good. I am still grateful, I choose unknown over what people thought was a end of my career. I aspired to be a cabin crew, which I still don’t know why I did it but I did. I thought at some point that I would regret but I won’t. Those two years of my life changed me for good. My English turned out to be better compared to what I thought, as I was the lowest scorer in my class back in class 9 and class 10. Everywhere I went, it was flooded with heaps of praise welcomed with constructive criticism on exactly I need to work on. I did what I was asked for , I couldn’t stop myself from exploring books across various genres and read them. Since childhood, I wanted to be a teacher, a professor of history, but it is not history now. The first day at British Council and I am like “Wow.. This is what I want”
I used all my spare time to read eBooks on metros, read big fat books of grammar, pronunciation and vocabulary along with books by authors like Salman Rushdie, Anna Karenina . I spend my freedom in watching English movies and documentaries along with listening to songs by Demi Lovato. Only the lucky ones in the world get the opportunity to find themselves without the limitation of examinations, work pressures and outside commitments stopping them. I am grateful for allowing me to meet with some one of the people who shaped me who am I today including Palden, Prity Kaur (top hundred debut Indian authors for her book ‘ I will never be an Orphan Again’. Along with the teachers at British Council (I spend hours admiring their classes and spend multiple hours talking to myself about dreams of becoming an English Language Trainer)
As all of you have guessed so far, I have turned down several job offers as well because my focus turned to learning all the things I want to do for years. During one of the most unpleasant situations I heard a voice inside my head saying, “ I remember myself as a child/ who dreamt a beautiful dream in her sleep”
I wrote a poetry much to my surprise . I shared with only some people and all of them especially Palden who encouraged me to write. I wrote only when my impulses became hyperactive with no control on my keyboard until I end up expressing what I thought. My first poem is published in my debut book , ‘ Some Unbothered Truths’ and I won an award for this book for the title , ‘ Poet of the Year ‘ along with the title of best contributor for the anthology ‘ Kolkata Diaries’ on 24TH July, 2022. Apart from being published as a coauthor in several anthologies, magazines and websites including mine. My anthologies became a part of Kolkata, Delhi and Frankfurt book fair in 2023.
Writing happened by luck as I started to maintain journals out of nowhere. Magically, I fell in love with what I was doing writing , studying for my graduation and completing my teacher training course after three years of continuous hard work. Life didn’t change, the problems remained but something within me never remained the same. I am still dealing with the challenges life throws at me. I am still dealing with all the external influences trying to pull me down. I am still doing what’s best for me without any expectation of the results. I hate sometimes that I have to brag about my achievements as a way to let the world know about my work because it hides the real me. Seriously, I can’t help it except knowing the fact at the end of the day that my bad choices, my achievements and accolades doesn’t make me who am I today, it’s the person I become in the process that is the real success of my life.
Commendable Sankalita, going good and you ll go good as far as you want... just keep going ... All the best