I have lived a life full of struggles and I don’t regret a thing because they made me who am I today. The boon of growing older is realizing things, which you wouldn’t have done if you were younger. As you grow old, the questions are answered with grey hairs, wrinkles and a bit of gain in body weight. You no longer wonder what took so time to realize your mistakes but it happens just like the flow of water from the river to the sea.
In 2022, I won my first award for the title “Poet of the Year” for my debut book “Some Unbothered Truths”. I was over the moon but I decided that I would keep this joy only for the day, as I have to focus on my exams the next day. I never kept the award on a display instead, it is tugged inside some bundle of clothes on my almirah. This move was done with the intention of keeping myself focused on my writing journey however, I do love the weight of the award while I held it on my hands. The only thing I failed to understand is you cannot work harder to change yourself for the sake of love and validation from other people. It is like a box full of chocolates, you achieved after loads of hard work and dedication to realize that it was empty and nothing else. I received an unexpected amount of criticisms from the people I loved the most including remarks like “your writing is of low-quality’’,” you can’t do nothing after winning awards”,’ you are a piece of junk whose future is dark” and “you’re meant to bring suffering for everyone in your life including yourself.” This send me into a whirlpool of self-pity and agony, that I can’t explain in words.
I suffered from tensional migraine; I lost my interests in studies. I was procrastinating the only love of my life that is my education. Consequently, I couldn’t complete my syllabus on time. I scored less. I failed to understand that why on earth, am I sitting and thinking about all those things that hurt me instead of doing things I love the most. My migraine went to the extent that I developed claustrophobia. It caused me to blackout completely with a near death experience as I locked my hands and legs, while sitting in a courtroom of people at Bidhannagar Court. I let my hard work of years to go into an abyss since I allowed people who never cared about me to allow their criticism enter my life.
I didn’t trust my years of time spend on learning English, I didn’t trust my years of time spent on copying an e-book into an actual blank page , I didn’t trust my time spent on pouring my heart out on paper but I trusted those people who were hell-bent on ruining me. Most importantly, I cried and cried until I felt right; I grieved for the loss of relationships, for the loss of validation and appreciation of those people despite knowing their real faces. I held together the pieces of broken glass vase together until I realized that these pieces are piercing my skin and bleeding my own skin. I didn’t give up on holding these pieces until I let them go, one by one into a place wherever they want they can go, it’s none of my business and it’s none of my concern now.
I yearn for a new beginning in a new place but I was a stupid girl to realize that in order to reach the new place , you have to take those small and consistent steps that were important for the next level. I was deep down ashamed and a person who loves to run away from the problems. I didn’t talk or messaged people who genuinely cared about me, on the contrary I remained active on social media. I considered the people would take me for granted, as I was the one insecure enough to trust them. Being alone is not bad, in the long run, you do realize the significance of surrounding yourself with people who will love and support you. It is important to be around those who can tell you on the face that you are wrong on the face and help you to grow. You need people who adds value to your life, enhance your inner spark and grow. Being from a background, where trust has taken a back door, so does love, it’s difficult to open up, but the most beautiful thing in life is you don’t need to tell everything to everyone, trust doesn’t mean sharing A-Z of your life, you can still keep your secrets and be secured in their presence.
The most important aspect that I have learned is to have a clear sense of purpose in your life, work with a goal in mind, take small and consistent steps without any hope yet a hope residing somewhere in your heart that someday somewhere I will get the things I want. I have already made the mistake of dreaming big on a foundation of sand with no idea of reality. Heart does break, failure does happen. Sometimes, you fall straight on the mud with your hopes like the bird flying at the highest altitude, but all of us have the next day, the next choices, and the ability to rectify ourselves and move with pure intention. Only with one thing, do you want it? Or do you need it? Decide that and the rest will fall in places. It doesn’t take years or months but a second of realization of what you want to do.
In the midst of writing , I have forgotten to write about an essential memory that has shaped me to make better decisions is my decision of pursuing science in class eleven and twelve. I still face the consequence of taking that one misstep in my life. I am still judged for my mistakes when I am working the shit out of me to become a better individual. I lived in a fantasy that I won’t ever repeat my mistakes but I did, I carved love in my heart for those whose actions doesn’t match their words. How stupid we become to build our entire life based on a few happy memories!
Perhaps being guilt-ridden and deeply ashamed of myself in some corner of my heart, somewhere I am at peace while admitting that I am wrong, it was my mistake instead of bad-mouthing those people who caused pain in the first place. I allowed my heart to be used, not them. I allowed myself to trust them while they choose to hurt and break my trust every time. I choose forgiveness just as I did to my biological father. I forgive him with all my heart. I do not love him or hate him but somewhere I accepted him for leaving my mother and I alone. I feel blessed to not suffer domestic violence that may have ruined my childhood if my father stayed with us. I forgive because I don’t deserve to live in hatred and jealously when all I can be, as my friends call me, a phoenix rising from the ashes.
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